Rules vs. Boundaries

One of my friends is very strict with her children and she does a great job.  She has very specific rules about what needs to be done and when, and her children are well behaved as a result .  However, my friend in enforcing her rules sometimes crosses boundaries.  I see her son react angrily when she lays down a rule and doesn't tolerate any deviation.  She sets the rules, and by her rules, she has total control over what he does and when.  Since he's nine, her authority crosses his boundary of growing autonomy.

In my house, I sometimes feel like a slacker parent because we have less rules.  Yet things run smoothly and work is (mostly) shared and we negotiate what needs to be done as it comes up. 

It occurred to me that in my house we use boundaries more than rules. 

Boundaries regulate daily routine as much as rules.  We are polite in our dealings with each other, though it's also OK to get angry and express anger.  If we do overreact and cross a line, we apologize later.  We do all (mostly) help to clear the table, bring in groceries, take out trash, clean the house, because that's how people need to work to live together.

Some boundaries become so clear and articulated that they are rules e.g. you knock before opening a closed bedroom door.  Other rules are just set as rules by parents e.g. you have to eat dinner to get dessert.  I am the parent, so I do have the authority to send my kid to his room if he keeps crossing the line.

Rules imply authority.  Boundaries imply autonomy.

I see this in organizations too.  Rules, in the form of policies and procedures, are needed to help everyone understand what needs to be done.  But an overburden of rules takes away from autonomy.  And keeping within the myriad of rules reduces the role of personal judgment of what is appropriate, and thus boundaries are regularly crossed. 

One association had built up a bureaucracy of rules, because the leader couldn't tolerate even one infraction.  That lack of trust generated a lack of boundaries.  All behavior was dictated from above, and if it wasn't outside the rules, it was fine.  So boundaries of civility and of recognizing different roles and their ownership of different tasks were constantly crossed. 

Other groups, particularly teams, agree joint rules such as how often they will meet, how disagreements will be handled.  These ground rules come from the joint authority of the group, and express the agreed boundaries as well as what is not a boundary crossing e.g. disagreeing with an idea. 

In any institution, be it a family or an association, a balance of rules and boundaries provides both structure and freedom.  Hard to achieve, but worthwhile considering.